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by Amanda Ward
The outing to the bookstore with your three- and four-year-old kids has gone great! You’ve spent over an hour looking at books and deciding on a new video. But now it’s almost nap time, and in an attempt to get quietly out of the bookstore and keep everyone in good spirits, the statement is made—“Kids, it’s time to go home now, okay?” A statement any parent might make in an attempt to keep their kids quiet and in a good mood long enough to get them out of the store and into the car.
However, the “okay” at the end of this statement turns it into a question, and any kid worth his weight in gold will seize this opportunity to act like a miniature dictator. The answer is sure to be a resounding “No!” Before you know it, you find yourself dragged into major league negotiations with a couple of preschoolers.
Feeling outnumbered and out-smarted, you succumb to two tiny tactical experts skilled in strategic whining, crying, screaming and lying prostrate on the floor. Behind every pair of eyes in the place, which are now fixed directly on you, are the unspoken thoughts—“Why can’t she control those two kids?” and “When I have kids they will never act like that in public!”
There is a mix of reasons why we are sometimes hesitant or afraid to take charge of the behaviors of our kids. For sure most of us don’t want to parent the way we were parented. Some of us want to be friends with our kids and don’t want to do anything that might rock the boat. Some are too emotionally involved and have a hard time getting proper perspective on the child’s behaviors.
Rather than focusing on all the reasons why we don’t do what is best, let’s look at some reasons why we should set reasonable limits and teach kids to respect authority. There are some big payoffs for taking charge and helping your kids learn about controlling their emotions and obeying your instructions.
Sure! This all sounds good, but how do you transform from a parent who is afraid of your kids to a parent who is consistently decisive, calm and can firmly take charge in any situation or place?
Following are a few good strategies to learn.
End the discussion.
Having a philosophical discussion with a three year old about the benefits of leaving a fun place like the bookstore and going home for an afternoon nap, is sure to end in disaster for you. All he knows is the game is on and he is winning.
Having a discussion prior to going to the bookstore about what your expectations are for him/her works well for most kids. “We are going to the bookstore for an afternoon outing and when I say it is time to leave that means you act accordingly.”
Give your child the choice of acting appropriately or set a consequence that fits the bad behavior. “If you cry and have a tantrum when it’s time to leave, you won’t be allowed to make a purchase and you may even have to stay at home on the next outing.” While it is a good parenting practice to allow your kids to make decisions, sometimes you just have to take charge and say what is going to happen.
Stay detached.
When you’re around other people’s kids it’s easy to see bad behavior for what it is and not try to explain it away. A friend of mine took her two-year-old to the grocery store with her and allowed him to get out of the cart to walk with her. Before she knew it he was climbing on the display shelves.
She said when she first noticed what he was doing, her first thought was “Wow, he really likes to climb. Maybe it’s okay if he just climbs on the lower shelves.” The look on the face of the woman standing in the aisle next to her brought her back to reality and she immediately took action. “Get down or get back in the cart!” A good reality check question: “What would I do if this were someone else’s kid?”
Make a family policy.
When my granddaughter was four she became quite the expert on bedtime delay tactics. “I don’t want to go to bed. I’m having too much fun coloring right now.” “Grandma is here. I want to stay up with her.” “Why do I have to go to bed now? Sophia gets to stay up late at her house.” The next thing you know you’re in a power struggle and frankly the parent never seems to win. Kids have a lot of brain power to bring to the struggle and by the end of the day most parents are running on low or almost empty.
Try shifting your strategy by simply saying: “It is the policy in our family that all kids go to bed at 7:30. No questions and no discussion!” This approach removes the personal element from the argument and sometimes it even works on the first try.
Be willing to tolerate tears.
Our daughter had colic—acid reflux—when she was an infant and cried a lot. We eventually adopted a frame of mind that whatever we needed to do to keep her from crying, we did.
After she out grew the colic, it was difficult to retrain myself not to respond to every little whimper. Just simply telling myself that it was okay for her to cry, released me from the pressure of needing to make sure that every waking moment she was happy and comfortable.
For babies as well as toddlers crying happens, it passes and they move on to another expression of emotions. Just because your kid cries because you have taken charge of a situation does not make you a bad parent.
Give your kids respect.
Demeaning kids can get you what you want temporarily but in the long run it makes for a terrible relationship with your kid. Don’t scream or yell at your kid in order to get his/her attention. Screaming and yelling only accelerates the situation and seeing your expressions of anger and frustration make your kid feel more out of control.
Never make fun of your kid for acting on his/her emotions. It is your job as his/her parent to take control and provide proper boundaries and rules for him/her to follow.
The message your kids get when you name call or yell is: “I don’t matter.” And, how do kids behave if they believe they don’t matter? Poorly. Well-behaved kids know they are respected by their parents and appreciate the fact that you can take charge in any situation.
Many were the times when I was a young mom that I wished somehow my kids would miraculously behave well without any involvement on my part. Wishing, however, is not a take-charge attitude.
What I learned was that kids who are well behaved have parents who are actively involved with them. Taking our four-year-old daughter to our eleven-year-old son’s soccer game and expecting her to entertain herself and be on perfect behavior while I visited with the other moms was totally unrealistic.
But, by being a take charge mom and making sure she understood what was expected from her—that I would be available and close by at all times and providing some enter-tainment for her by taking some coloring books and puzzles—made for a much more pleasant outcome. Just like it will for your kids when you become proactive instead of reactive!
Amanda R. Ward, MS, LPC, is a couples, family and individual counselor. |
